BD: Complacent Waiting
The Free Clinic is an amazing program with genuine people that care and dedicate their time to helping people. They helped us when Preston found his lump, and if it wasn't for the people there, we would be drowning in medical debt. They steered us in the right direction to help us get referrals in both our experiences, and we are incredibly thankful to them!
The Free Clinic referred me to a state program that assists women without insurance when their life gets a little lumpy. Now because a lot of these programs either receive their funds from the state or private donations, they only have so much money to treat the many people that need care. They had guidelines of who had top priority and who could afford to wait. Since I wasn't necessarily a high risk case and my condition was considered "symptomatic," I got slipped to the back of the list.
There are plenty of statistics out there about the chances of getting breast cancer and what increases your risk by certain factors. During that I time, my mini-internet investigation said that women in their early 30's have a 2% chance. There is an increased risk if a woman hasn't had her first child by time she's 30, and another increase risked if she happens to be overweight. Still, the risk was really low in comparison to older women. Because the physician I initially saw wasn't overly concerned, and because the program taking over my care considered me low risk, AND because the all-knowing internet suggested my factors put me at a low risk, I got complacent. I convinced myself that it was probably a cyst or a fatty tissue, and life can continue as normal until my time for routine checking came.
During my time of complacent waiting, the Holy Spirit was leading me to spend time studying and meditating on all the healing scriptures we had relied on when Preston was going through his experience. Because I was so comfortable and had the "I'm-just-going-to-believe-God-that-it's-all-good" attitude, I put it on the "when I have free-time list." Now as a nanny and a director of a Kid's ministry, there is no "free-time" in the summer, so whatever is at the top of your priority list is pretty much all you're going to get done.
So, I never found the time to obey God. I didn't commit myself to His Word during the months of waiting that followed. I sought God in other ways...ways that I thought were top priority. God still spoke to me, and answered me. He would still remind me to make time to study and meditate specifically on those verses, but I allowed myself to get distracted with other things, things that I thought were more pressing matters about plans for the future....like the band going on tour, where we were going to live, how everything fit together in a nice little package.
In the end, I was disobedient. I slipped into being a habitual Christian doing the "good work" instead of an active participant with God in my walk of faith. Looking back, I realize I missed the mark, and by my disobedience I wasn't thoroughly seasoned for what was coming. When everything followed, I was confused, and I flooded God with questions. I take ownership of that now, and ask God to forgive me for not choosing His will in the waiting season, but choosing to rely on my own understanding of things. Had I been submissive in the waiting, I know I would be telling you a different story about the experience that followed.
**This blog was written in October 2012, but chronologically happened in June 2012**
The Free Clinic referred me to a state program that assists women without insurance when their life gets a little lumpy. Now because a lot of these programs either receive their funds from the state or private donations, they only have so much money to treat the many people that need care. They had guidelines of who had top priority and who could afford to wait. Since I wasn't necessarily a high risk case and my condition was considered "symptomatic," I got slipped to the back of the list.
There are plenty of statistics out there about the chances of getting breast cancer and what increases your risk by certain factors. During that I time, my mini-internet investigation said that women in their early 30's have a 2% chance. There is an increased risk if a woman hasn't had her first child by time she's 30, and another increase risked if she happens to be overweight. Still, the risk was really low in comparison to older women. Because the physician I initially saw wasn't overly concerned, and because the program taking over my care considered me low risk, AND because the all-knowing internet suggested my factors put me at a low risk, I got complacent. I convinced myself that it was probably a cyst or a fatty tissue, and life can continue as normal until my time for routine checking came.
During my time of complacent waiting, the Holy Spirit was leading me to spend time studying and meditating on all the healing scriptures we had relied on when Preston was going through his experience. Because I was so comfortable and had the "I'm-just-going-to-believe-God-that-it's-all-good" attitude, I put it on the "when I have free-time list." Now as a nanny and a director of a Kid's ministry, there is no "free-time" in the summer, so whatever is at the top of your priority list is pretty much all you're going to get done.
So, I never found the time to obey God. I didn't commit myself to His Word during the months of waiting that followed. I sought God in other ways...ways that I thought were top priority. God still spoke to me, and answered me. He would still remind me to make time to study and meditate specifically on those verses, but I allowed myself to get distracted with other things, things that I thought were more pressing matters about plans for the future....like the band going on tour, where we were going to live, how everything fit together in a nice little package.
In the end, I was disobedient. I slipped into being a habitual Christian doing the "good work" instead of an active participant with God in my walk of faith. Looking back, I realize I missed the mark, and by my disobedience I wasn't thoroughly seasoned for what was coming. When everything followed, I was confused, and I flooded God with questions. I take ownership of that now, and ask God to forgive me for not choosing His will in the waiting season, but choosing to rely on my own understanding of things. Had I been submissive in the waiting, I know I would be telling you a different story about the experience that followed.
**This blog was written in October 2012, but chronologically happened in June 2012**
