Between Rocks

 

I have yet to write the post explaining our faith process in deciding what to do with all the options we have faced over the past four months.  And I will, but we've been in the thick of it all.  It can prove difficult to write about the things that have happened as other things keep happening!  So, I've just decided to write as it comes when I'm able to, and I hope the little snippets I give through this blog will somehow encourage you with whatever challenge you are facing.

I left off in our story with the big decision as how to continue with the harsher chemo drug Adriamycin.  When we originally decided to go the chemo route, we had peace in our decision, and things did not pan out as planned.  Yet, we had a great report from that decision.  One chemo treatment shouldn't have produced the results they did that fast and in so many different areas.  Doctors were amazed!  God was working on our behalf as we took steps forward in faith regardless of our course, we have been confessing and believing I am completely healed.  My healing hasn't happened instantaneously, but it's happening.  And we've learned SO MUCH in the process!

When Adriamycin was put on the table as my last chemo option, I had a sinking feeling.  I wanted so much to just be done with it all; so much to say with a boldness, an undeniable confidence that people like Joyce Meyer, Andrew Wommack, and Kenneth Hagin do when they exercise faith in times like these without hesitation.  I wanted so much to just stand in faith and wait for an easier way, or in the very least to buy myself time to somehow get there before deciding such things.  Instead, I felt so small.  So unsure.  I didn't want to subject my body to a drug nicknamed "The Red Devil."  Sure, people do it everyday.  They suck it up, do what needs to be done, and they survive...with hopes the long term side effects won't show up later.  It happens.  Everyday.  Get it done.  Move on with your life.

But that's just it!  I don't want to just "survive" cancer, somehow find a way to recover from its impact on my life, and wrap it all up with a nice pink ribbon.  No, I want to overcome it!  I want to come out of this more than a conqueror!  And, I can.  Not because I'm anyone special, or because I've done anything truly great, but because someone Great did the Great for me!  And He says I can kick cancer's ass, and say to satan with all his antics and diseases, "You are defeated!"  Through Jesus, we have the victory in every situation, in every season.  2 Corinthians 2:14,  "Now thanks be to God who always leads us in triumph in Christ, and through us diffuses the fragrance of His knowledge in every place." 

When I first needed to ask myself where my faith lies, God told me to be honest with myself and with Him.  He wasn't looking for me to prove myself to anyone.  He wasn't looking for a performance.  After all, He already knows where I am at, what my thoughts are, my fears, and even my shadowing doubts.  He just wants an open, honest, and genuine relationship with Him.  Nothing I was going to do would coax Him into doing what He has already done.  How my healing would be manifested was going to be my journey with Him.  At one point after I started chemo, I asked God why my faith for healing felt so fleeting when symptoms would come.  He gave me the following analogy....

 

"Your life feels like this huge pile of rocks each symbolizing a challenge you have ahead of you to face.  You keep trying to apply your faith to every area at once.  It's like taking a sledge hammer and trying to hack away at this pile of boulders, and you're not effective in any one area.  Trust Me to lead you to the place of conquering the boulders ahead of you.  I'm going to just give you one boulder to focus on each day, and apply your faith to just that one boulder and forget the other boulders.  Some boulders may take more than a day, or a week, or a month to conquer, but just trust me to lead you as you go.  Each day as you exercise your faith in the area I lead you, I will teach you what you need to know and understand."

 

A huge load had lifted when He told me that.  Now some of you smarties might be wondering, "Uh, you're still using a sledge hammer to break down a boulder!  That still seems like an overwhelming and impossible task!"  I thought the same thing!  Then, God responded with Jeremiah 23:29, "'Isn’t my word like fire or like a hammer that shatters a rock?' asks the Lord."  I cried when I read that verse!  My "sledge hammer" is the Word of God!  What does God say about His Word?  Hebrews 4:12, "God’s word is living and active. It is sharper than any two-edged sword and cuts as deep as the place where soul and spirit meet, the place where joints and marrow meet. God’s word judges a person’s thoughts and intentions."

 

I've seen the active, living Word of God at work throughout my life.  I've faced difficult challenges before, nothing quite like battling cancer, but I have known what it means to overcome something, to rise above what I thought I was capable of doing, to push through the hard of life and receive God's promises.  People of great faith like Andrew Wommack, Kenneth Hagin, and Joyce Meyer all have amazing testimonies of their process to understanding God and His Word in a deeper way.  They all made a choice to stand for something greater than their given circumstances.  They understood what they faced in their present, natural situation was nothing compared to what God wanted to show them if they chose to include Him in it.  Greatness stems from that one choice.  It doesn't make it "easy," but it certainly makes it worth it.

 

At the end of that week I had to decide what to do, I chose to continue with chemo, but more importantly I chose to let God lead me into something greater than me, something greater than cancer or side effects and all the icky stuff that may come with it.  I had no idea what it was going to look like, or how it would effect my future, but I knew who I was following, and that was enough for me.  I can look "The Red Devil" in the face and say with peace that I am the healed of Lord, come what may on the journey to seeing it manifested.  One rock at a time.