A Hairy Situation
My hair started falling out yesterday.
As much as I want to convince myself that it's not happening...not to me...I can't. I was told that at about two weeks it would begin to happen, and like clockwork, two weeks from the day the chemo dripped through the IV and into my body...my hair has begun to shed. I don't know if I can stop it from happening to me...at this point in my fight. When I gently run my fingers through my hair, I get a small cluster of hair coming out. This is one of those difficult times when what I see feels so much greater than me. Honestly, when what I see is such a huge mental and emotional tug-o-war battling my faith inside of me, it really is a fight to stay focused on the promises the Word says we can have.
Perhaps I gave too much power to fear and doubt earlier on. I have waivered when it came to believing for the small things in this process of healing, small things like my hair. Perhaps if I took a stand from the very beginning and just said, "No. That is not my inheritance. That is not my lot. I do not receive it. I can expect greater because He is greater in me and He has overcome the world!" Perhaps if I hadn't planted seeds of doubt and unbelief, I would be writing a different story now. Perhaps.
But you can't walk out your faith living backwards. You can't fight living in the "perhaps" of life. You simply reap what you sow as it comes and make the better choice now for a better harvest later. That's how you get to a better version of yourself. You're not always going to be the right copy at the right time, but you might as well learn from the former versions of yourself as the upgrade comes around. I feared losing my hair, and guess what? I'm losing my hair right now. And, it's awful. And my heart is heavy and overwhelmed by it all. And at 5 o'clock in the morning, I'm awake and grieving before God and you.
And yet, the question remains: Is it ever too late to believe?
Jesus response to that question would be: "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." (Matthew 19:26; Mark 9:23)
I do believe that faith is that powerful. I believe faith can give life to the body no matter what form it is in: dead, dying, hopeless, beyond repair. Romans 8:11 says, "But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His spirit who dwells in you." The verse we've been standing on going through chemo is still at work in our lives (Mark 16:18). These drugs are designed to attack any rapidly growing cells, and by design my hair is supposed to fall out. In the natural, I can expect that to happen. BUT, in the spirit, the Word says that if I believe than it is possible to expect I can keep my hair even though the "poison" is designed to take it.
Now, some of you might think I'm crazy. Some of you might be saying, "Liz, it's just hair. Why make it out to be such a big deal? Just grieve it coming out and move on." Well, like I said before, I just don't want to "survive" cancer. I want more to come of all this. I want to conquer cancer, overcome it, and devoid it of any power. I want a greater understanding of what the Word says about faith and healing. I want to go deeper in my walk with God. I want this season to mean more than just fighting off cancer, more than just getting through the tough, more than being a statistic or just some story! I want to be the testimony that comes out of this test and stand with full confidence that indeed God is greater! I want to be able to stand with others who are fighting the good fight of faith in their own life and be the voice that speaks life and not death, blessings and not curses, because Jesus died so we could have it!
So, yes, believing for my hair follicles to not be harmed, even now....as its falling out right now as I'm typing this, believing is an opportunity to exercise faith over my doubt and unbelief. Because sometimes faith is nurtured in the small battles to be strong and prevail for the bigger battles that are yet ahead. Am I confident I can have it? Is my faith greater than my doubts right now in this small battle? Only time will tell. And even if it doesn't turn out the way I want it to, I know that God is bigger than me. I know that He is with me. He still knows how many hairs on are on my head. I know that His Word is still true and just as living and active as it has always been and always will be. And I will continue to stand on it.
For now, I thank God for every strand of hair on my head! And even if every single one falls out over the course of this process, I will thank God for my beautiful hair, because it doesn't matter when we see the harvest from the faith that we sow. It's in the sowing that the greatest work is done, not when we see it.
As much as I want to convince myself that it's not happening...not to me...I can't. I was told that at about two weeks it would begin to happen, and like clockwork, two weeks from the day the chemo dripped through the IV and into my body...my hair has begun to shed. I don't know if I can stop it from happening to me...at this point in my fight. When I gently run my fingers through my hair, I get a small cluster of hair coming out. This is one of those difficult times when what I see feels so much greater than me. Honestly, when what I see is such a huge mental and emotional tug-o-war battling my faith inside of me, it really is a fight to stay focused on the promises the Word says we can have.
Perhaps I gave too much power to fear and doubt earlier on. I have waivered when it came to believing for the small things in this process of healing, small things like my hair. Perhaps if I took a stand from the very beginning and just said, "No. That is not my inheritance. That is not my lot. I do not receive it. I can expect greater because He is greater in me and He has overcome the world!" Perhaps if I hadn't planted seeds of doubt and unbelief, I would be writing a different story now. Perhaps.
But you can't walk out your faith living backwards. You can't fight living in the "perhaps" of life. You simply reap what you sow as it comes and make the better choice now for a better harvest later. That's how you get to a better version of yourself. You're not always going to be the right copy at the right time, but you might as well learn from the former versions of yourself as the upgrade comes around. I feared losing my hair, and guess what? I'm losing my hair right now. And, it's awful. And my heart is heavy and overwhelmed by it all. And at 5 o'clock in the morning, I'm awake and grieving before God and you.
And yet, the question remains: Is it ever too late to believe?
Jesus response to that question would be: "With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible. If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes." (Matthew 19:26; Mark 9:23)
I do believe that faith is that powerful. I believe faith can give life to the body no matter what form it is in: dead, dying, hopeless, beyond repair. Romans 8:11 says, "But if the Spirit of Him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, He who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through His spirit who dwells in you." The verse we've been standing on going through chemo is still at work in our lives (Mark 16:18). These drugs are designed to attack any rapidly growing cells, and by design my hair is supposed to fall out. In the natural, I can expect that to happen. BUT, in the spirit, the Word says that if I believe than it is possible to expect I can keep my hair even though the "poison" is designed to take it.
Now, some of you might think I'm crazy. Some of you might be saying, "Liz, it's just hair. Why make it out to be such a big deal? Just grieve it coming out and move on." Well, like I said before, I just don't want to "survive" cancer. I want more to come of all this. I want to conquer cancer, overcome it, and devoid it of any power. I want a greater understanding of what the Word says about faith and healing. I want to go deeper in my walk with God. I want this season to mean more than just fighting off cancer, more than just getting through the tough, more than being a statistic or just some story! I want to be the testimony that comes out of this test and stand with full confidence that indeed God is greater! I want to be able to stand with others who are fighting the good fight of faith in their own life and be the voice that speaks life and not death, blessings and not curses, because Jesus died so we could have it!
So, yes, believing for my hair follicles to not be harmed, even now....as its falling out right now as I'm typing this, believing is an opportunity to exercise faith over my doubt and unbelief. Because sometimes faith is nurtured in the small battles to be strong and prevail for the bigger battles that are yet ahead. Am I confident I can have it? Is my faith greater than my doubts right now in this small battle? Only time will tell. And even if it doesn't turn out the way I want it to, I know that God is bigger than me. I know that He is with me. He still knows how many hairs on are on my head. I know that His Word is still true and just as living and active as it has always been and always will be. And I will continue to stand on it.
For now, I thank God for every strand of hair on my head! And even if every single one falls out over the course of this process, I will thank God for my beautiful hair, because it doesn't matter when we see the harvest from the faith that we sow. It's in the sowing that the greatest work is done, not when we see it.
Comments
Post a Comment