Over-Reacting to Chemo

The day after Thanksgiving, I was scheduled for my second treatment.   Even though I rather would have been in one of those crazy lines getting amazing Black Friday deals or at home watching a movie with a nice big leftover turkey sandwich, I went to the appointment with a positive attitude.  We were going to make the most of it, especially knowing how it all works and what to expect.  We took another batch of chemo mugs to cheer up the other folks that were spending their holiday weekend in the treatment center.  We even brought our computers in with the hopes of being productive. My parents sent flowers to the clinic to surprise me and cheer me up during treatment.



The clinic was pretty slow with the holiday, so there were only about 2 to 3 other patients around.    Preston left to pick up some lunch for us. He got back just as they were starting the Taxotere drip, and we sat back and started to enjoy lunch. Eight minutes into it, I started to feel funny. I got this weird sensation in my tummy. I thought maybe Subway wasn't keeping it so fresh! But the sensation got a little weirder, so I stopped. Preston stopped. You know those times when you're a kid and you think you saw a creepy shadow in your room, and you kind of stare out into the room waiting to know if you're just being a scaredy cat or if shadows really do move that way? Well, we both stared at each other like that for a brief moment. And then it was like the monster bit me!

I was able to say "I can't breathe" to Preston before it got really ugly, really fast.  My lungs felt like they were drying up, getting tighter and tighter as I tried to gasp for air. Then, it felt like thousands of little needles were stabbing into my hands sending up a fire traveling up my arms making its way down to my chest. Preston said I turned a tomato red, which makes sense because I got really hot! Then, as if that wasn't enough, I got this awful pain in my lower back, like the bones were caving in. All this was happening in less than a minute! The nurses checked my oxygen level and it had dropped by 20% in that amount of time. They stopped the IV immediately, and administered 50cc of benedryl into the line and gave me oxygen. Right away the pain in my back subsided and the fire spreading through my upper body was put out, and I was slowly getting my breath back. Somewhere in the middle of all it someone had gotten a fan to cool me off, and by the time the benedryl hit I was freezing, and I started to shake.   And it took a good hour to stop shaking!

Once I was able to talk and answer the doctor's questions, I was left thinking deeply profound questions like, "What the crap was that!? Who pissed off the Taxotere fairy today!? What the heck was in that sandwich!?" You know, the deep stuff that inspires the masses when things like this happen. As the doctor explained it: During the first treatment, my body wasn't really sure what to do with this new and foreign substance that was having it's way with me over the past three weeks. After all, the Taxo-fairy was killing all kinds of cells! So, my body thought it best to rally the troops in case it ever decided to visit again, and bust out some anti-chemo, revolutionary moves...think of the theme song "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister.  So, in conclusion....Taxotere could no longer be my cancer fighting buddy in the future!

The crazy part of the whole experience was the idea it all could've been a lot worse!  I mentioned before the clinic was slow because it was the day after Thanksgiving, so there was no one in my row of recliners.  I happened to pick the row where the back of the chairs faced the nurses' station, so from their station they only saw the back of my head.  Normally, the nurses walk all around the clinic helping patients, but on this particular day they only had a few other patients and none of them were in my row, so it may have been awhile before the nurse would've come back to check in.  I also mentioned that Preston had left to get us lunch and returned just moments before they started the actual chemo drip.  If it had taken longer at Subway, or if he would've lingered making conversation with a stranger like he is usually accustomed to doing, then he wouldn't have been there to call for the nurses at the precise time I needed someone to be my voice. 

I'm no expert as to theorize what could've happened, but it's safe to assume I probably would've passed out.  I don't know how long your body can be in that state of reaction before any lasting damage is done to the body, or if such a thing can be fatal after so many minutes.  And you know what?  I'm glad I don't know!  Because none of those things happened that day, and I personally believe however many different scenarios the situation could've played out God was working on my behalf so all it amounts to is an unpleasant experience we can make light of now.

It took a few days to process what happened, what it meant in the days to come, and how to even deal with an experience like that.  I imagine it was much harder for Preston to get rid of the visual of seeing me in that condition, and feeling helpless to make it any better.  I know I would feel that way.  In times like these, you tend to wonder if all of it is even real.  How did we get here?  How is "cancer", "chemo", or "anaphylactic" even topics of conversation right now!?  Was it so long ago that we were talking about simpler things, like what movie to watch, who was going to make dinner, or when to go on tour next year!?  But it all comes down to the same mindset....you have a choice.  What are you going to do with this season you are in?

So, I decided....this experience does not define me.  I'm not a "victim of chemo," and I'm certainly not afraid to have another treatment.  I'm more interested in what's next on the menu.  When you give any power to the bad or unpleasant things that happen in life, you're letting it rob you over and over again.  You can't change that it happened, but you can choose to deflate it of any power over your present and future!  We weren't laughing after it happened, or when the reality of what could've happened hit us, but when we realized God was working on our behalf in the midst of a very unpleasant experience, we knew we had much to be thankful for that day.  And even in all the ways we don't get to see or understand God's guidance and protection over us throughout any given day, when we filter our lives through the Word of God, we know there is good in every situation, in every day, no matter what.  I choose to focus on the good.

"We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God—those whom he has called according to his plan." -Romans 8:28