Out On My Own, and Owning It

Today I went out in public alone.  I knew it was going to be an entirely different experience than being with Preston or Julie.  And I was nervous.  I spent an hour trying to figure out how to perfect a headscarf, and then somehow find a way to make it feel like "me."  I went to YouTube for inspiration and found a bunch of videos of how to tie a headscarf from people WITH hair.....you can imagine how frustrating that is being that there's not much separating the bright white of my head and the scarf!  Then, I found a how-to by Esther Grabow, and I had hope!  Not only did she give an awesome how-to, but she was totally relatable to the situation being a cancer patient herself.



By the end of the video, I reasoned with myself:  "Ok, Liz...you can't change that you lost your hair.  It's gone for....awhile.  You have to find a way to function and let it be ok.  Now, you can either let it own you for the next few months, or you can own it and find a way to feel like yourself again."  So, I got up and tried to master some kind of headwrap...and I tried...and tried...and tried.  I felt myself growing a big distaste for scarves, and resolved to watch her video again.  I was determined to be more than just a toe-head walking around with a beanie trying to feel normal.  I needed to feel like "me" before I walked out that door, come what may, I needed to be able to say to myself, "You look good."  Finally, I was able to master the rosette tie, got one of my old hair pretties, and found matching earrings (of course!).

I know, I know....makeup would help, but I wanted to feel like me first before I venturing into the job of covering me all up.  I'm sure that seems a little backwards, but honestly, makeup has been a bit of a turn off.  I almost feel lost with how to best apply it without my hair....it all just seems off, like I'm learning to use it for the first time all over again!  Even earrings seem a little foreign, and off balance!

So, off I go!  Feeling as confident as I possibly could, I set out for a long day of errands in the stores among the unsuspecting public.  I probably only noticed it subconsciously in Target because I was so focused on what I needed to get that I didn't have time to give attention to the stares.  But, by the time I got to my third store, it was painfully obvious.  People were staring.  I'd like to say they were staring because my head wrap was so incredibly awesome they wanted to stop and ask how such a masterpiece was possible!  But it was more of a "you're different" look. 

 

You're probably saying, "Liz, you're just being subconscious about it all!  You don't know that's why they were staring; in fact, you don't even know that they were staring!"  Um, yeah, not so much!  You can tell people aren't necessarily thinking pleasant, "socially acceptable" thoughts by how fast they look away when you make eye contact!  It's almost like when you tap the side of a fish tank and the fish just reacts and goes the other direction.  That's how the shifting eyes look when you feel like they're staring.

After awhile, I got pretty tired of it.  When I got a very distinct "You don't have any hair under there, do you" look from one guy, I wanted to whip off my head wrap and shine my big baldy head at him to really give him something to feel uncomfortable about, and maybe even chase a couple people around the store, head first.  I even contemplated getting some shirts made: "Yes, I have a chemo head," or "Bald & Proud," or "Rogaine failed me," or "Don't stare, it's only hair," or "I glow in the dark," or "Keep calm & rub my head."  And, yes, a mighty large, crispy chip was starting to form on my shoulder as I was finding defensive ways of dealing with the "Looky Lou's."  I even questioned the look that baby at Costco was giving me in line!  On the way to Michaels, the thought occurred to me: "You used to be one of those people, too."

I used to be the one looking at people that were "different," and assuming I knew what they were about, or perhaps...*gasp*...judging them.  Even cancer patients in head wraps...I would wonder what their world was like, wonder what was going on in their heads, and feeling like it was wrong to look them in the eye, or even smile at them because maybe doing so was offensive.  Maybe they just wanted to be sad, and smiling was the wrong thing to do, or so I thought.  One lady had the decency to smile and give me a reassuring look when we made eye contact, and I wondered if maybe she just knew that it was hard to be stared at.  Or maybe she knew what it was like to be in my shoes, and she knew I needed a smile from someone.  If you've ever wondered what to do when you're caught staring....smiling is the best option ;)  Even if the person is feeling pretty depressed or hopeless about their circumstances, a smile is the one thing to can communicate the sense of joy they need, maybe even a sense of hope!  Afterall....

So, other than practicing a sense of renewed self-esteem, I learned that I just need to give people grace in the same way I want grace in being human.  It's easier to give grace to people I know and love.  I'll let them look at me however which way they'd like and it wouldn't bother me.  Strangers are much trickier, because you feel like you have to fight the feeling of being judged that goes along with their responses.  People will be curious; people will not know what to do with different; people will be uncomfortable with cancer and all that comes with it; people just don't know any better...I certainly didn't when I was on the other end of the spectrum.  And more often than not, people will respond to how you carry yourself and respond to them.  If you give them a chippy shoulder, then they'll just give you a cold shoulder in return.  Once again, I had a choice: I could be sulky and offended at the "Lou's," or I could own it, and find it in me to build my self-esteem and wear a smile, everyday for every person.  I could choose to live in joy.  And I did.  When I made that choice, I felt beautiful for the first time since I lost my hair.  And that is truly something to smile about :)