My Life in Rewind
I started this year feeling overwhelmed with the gravity of life. You would think I'd be overwhelmed with the brevity of life, being that two short months prior I was sitting in a hospital room praying with my husband and in-laws right before the nurses wheeled him into surgery.
I used to wake up excited about life and a readiness to take on whatever God brought my way each day. Life was this big adventure, and I embraced every minute of it. And, somewhere in the middle of it all, I started waking up in auto-pilot to my own life! Something's gotta give.
He was diagnosed with testicular cancer mid-November. Honestly, everything after that was like being on a merry-go-round. My husband and I were stuck right in the middle of this spinning world of information, opinions, dates, tests, and all the other white noise that used to be so important. Life was already insanely busy, and then a word like "cancer" pushes a little pause button, and you wait. Wait for the doctors to give you some kind of definitive answer to all your questions. Wait to understand. Wait for your faith to grow into what you know rather than what you believe. You see life spinning around you, continuing on without you, knowing that it must, but not understanding how it could. That's what it all felt like.
We had to ask some hard questions about our faith and decide what we were going to trust in...God's Word that had never failed us, or the constant wavering of science. We always left the doctors' offices with more questions than their information provided us with answers. I remember sitting in the patient room of the urology clinic right after the doctor had dropped the big "cancer" bomb. I remember us looking into each other eyes, each with our own uncertainties filling the room like a fog, and I suggested that we pray right there. As we began to pray together, instantly the room went calm. We cast off all the "what if's," the "chances" of this or that, the fear of the unknown, and we found our place of peace in that little room. And we decided that no matter what, we were going to take it one step at time, appointment by appointment, and believe that God's Word is true...our lifeline.
Long and wonderful story short...we survived. We endured. He was healed. He's cancer-free today. The play button was pushed and we got off the merry-go-round. And boom--Gravity. Life came flooding back in with a vengence. Some people would let it all settle, allow for time to adjust and reflect, and let all the busies and demands figure themselves out eventually. Me? Nope. I'm a fixer, and I make sure the job gets done. I won't go into the details of it all, but let's just say a week's time throughout this aftermath period felt like I was living two! When it all quieted down mid-February, I hit a wall of burn out. Yet I still kept going; there was still things to fix, things to do, things that created more things. My passion for life turned into a passion to do; it was numbing and I felt stuck.
We had to ask some hard questions about our faith and decide what we were going to trust in...God's Word that had never failed us, or the constant wavering of science. We always left the doctors' offices with more questions than their information provided us with answers. I remember sitting in the patient room of the urology clinic right after the doctor had dropped the big "cancer" bomb. I remember us looking into each other eyes, each with our own uncertainties filling the room like a fog, and I suggested that we pray right there. As we began to pray together, instantly the room went calm. We cast off all the "what if's," the "chances" of this or that, the fear of the unknown, and we found our place of peace in that little room. And we decided that no matter what, we were going to take it one step at time, appointment by appointment, and believe that God's Word is true...our lifeline.
Long and wonderful story short...we survived. We endured. He was healed. He's cancer-free today. The play button was pushed and we got off the merry-go-round. And boom--Gravity. Life came flooding back in with a vengence. Some people would let it all settle, allow for time to adjust and reflect, and let all the busies and demands figure themselves out eventually. Me? Nope. I'm a fixer, and I make sure the job gets done. I won't go into the details of it all, but let's just say a week's time throughout this aftermath period felt like I was living two! When it all quieted down mid-February, I hit a wall of burn out. Yet I still kept going; there was still things to fix, things to do, things that created more things. My passion for life turned into a passion to do; it was numbing and I felt stuck.
I used to wake up excited about life and a readiness to take on whatever God brought my way each day. Life was this big adventure, and I embraced every minute of it. And, somewhere in the middle of it all, I started waking up in auto-pilot to my own life! Something's gotta give.
Comments
Post a Comment