Give Me The Skinny (I Can Take It Now)

The biggest part of this journey in the year ahead is battling the physical burden that I've carried throughout my life.  Actually, I really started this whole self-evaluation/wake-up call when I found out the Biggest Loser was casting in my city in February.  I was a wreck about auditioning.  Last year, I considered it, but I talked myself out of it because I was worried about how it would impact everyone else, and how people would manage with my being gone for 4 months!  This year was different.  I eventually decided that I needed to face some tough issues and I needed to go to the casting call as a way of telling myself I was worth a risk, and I was important enough to make a big move and do something for myself.  Something clicked on the inside of me (and having the 30's just around the corner was a good incentive to make a real change).  I didn't end up getting on the show, but I started asking some serious questions and decided I needed to come face to face with this area in my life to be done with this battle....for good.

I met my double chin when I was a little kid, maybe 4 or 5 years old.  Yeah, back then it was cute, and people oooh-ed and aww-ed at my plump little cheeks...

Then, sometime around third grade, I began to notice there was less ooohing and little awwing and more pointing and more laughing as my little belly became more the makings of the "chubby kid."  It felt like overnight that I was the girl that was the pun of other kids' jokes, and before you know it some of your best friends are friends that are in the same fight for dignity as you...the chub club.  My brother was chubby when he was real little, but then he hit a growth spurt and was suddenly bigger than everyone else, so no one messed with him...(well just me...and I still have the guts to bring him down with me in posting some of our embarrassing pics!  Sorry, bro!)

In high school, I got a little bold, believed I could find true friends that liked me for me, and I found them.  I finally felt like I was somebody worth knowing to someone outside my family circle.  My first 2 years of high school were really something.  But, then I had to change schools at the beginning of junior year, and I was separated from all my friends.  I didn't know anyone at my new school, and no one was in a big hurry to make new friends.  (This isn't why I've been overweight my whole life, by the way, but it was definitely a turning point that changed my life in many ways.)  I went through a huge depression during that time, over a lot of different things coming to a head in a complicated and difficult way, but I'll save that story for another time.  In the end, I survived high school, and the whole blank slate of life was waiting for me.

All this to say that by the time I hit my 20's, me and my double chin were well acquainted, and after awhile of being defined by how big you are versus who you are, you learn to let that define how you see yourself.  I tried several times to try to win the war over the bulge, sometimes I had half victories, and others I failed miserably.  I remember journaling in my early 20's about how I weighed in at 283 and thinking there was no greater low.  I was able to get back down to the 220's, but it's been a bitter dance all along the way.  

Looking back, I realized I was able to convince myself there wasn't a big problem, it was just the girl I have always been.  I learned that pictures are always the true test of "saving face."  If you can get a good picture of yourself and say, "Hey, I look pretty" or "I look thinner there" then the problem wasn't so bad.  Then after awhile you find yourself just taking pics of just the chest up.  You can change your hair color, chop off your hair, style your hair to cover most of your face, or heck, even throw on a pair of glasses and a scarf to cover your good ol' buddy, the double chin.  All the while you're just fooling yourself, because eventually, that one picture that gives you a reflection of all those parts of yourself that you don't want to face shows up in the mix.

If I was really honest with myself, I would've realized that it doesn't take a good manipulated picture to find my self-worth.  Even with the best "skinny picture" I still found things that made the ugly creep up instead.  I couldn't value myself, and that's why the scale never showed real results.  No matter how well I did in my weight loss roller coaster, I always compared myself to someone else who had the right face, the good curves, and didn't wear her insecurities on her shoulder like I did.  I couldn't find peace with myself because I couldn't value the skin that God gave me.

I'm done with the game, the tricks, the endless battle of conquering the almighty pound!  I capped 311 in March, right before my back went out.  I realized that if I didn't start taking care of myself, then I wouldn't be around much longer to be the wife and future mommy I needed and wanted to be.  I realized I needed to stop punishing myself for not measuring up my own expectations.  So, here I am, ready to take the big bull by the balls and change my life....for good.  I've lost 14 pounds so far, and I'm doing it the right way...eating right and exercise.  I'm going to do it for me, to live my life to the fullest and give myself the health I deserve!